If only.
If only football did not have to go through the past 26 months. That figure fell as readily from Jobe Watson's lips on Tuesday as if it was a jail term: it was the time he had spent worrying "last thing at night, first thing in the morning" about what would become of him and his team.
If only Essendon had not put itself through the past three years.
If only the drug protocols were not so obtuse and bureaucratic that it took five months from the issuing of notices to this conclusion — if conclusion it is — and to the last were so tangled in legalese that the Essendon players, upon hearing the phrase "not comfortably satisfied", were not sure whether it meant guilty or not guilty.
If only the one man who does know exactly what happened had not chosen to talk about it to everyone except ASADA and the AFL tribunal.
If only court actions by Essendon and James Hird had not delayed the issuing of those notices against the players. Every man is entitled to his day in court, but when that day turns everyone else's day into Groundhog Day, the notion of all being in this together begins to fall away.
If only a grim cloud had not hovered over two seasons, over the game, but particularly over the club. If only the Bombers had not been expelled from one finals series; heaven knows they are hard enough to make.
If only the Essendon players and staff had not had to endure hours of gruelling interviews by ASADA and the AFL, serried ranks of lawyers at hand. Everyone knows that experience makes you feel guilty even if you are not.
If only ASADA was better-resourced. If only its code was not so opaque. If only politicians hadn't intervened, hysterically. If only the AFL had not been so gung-ho and standover in its interventions.
If only so many jobs and careers were not lost in the unravelling of this case, some necessarily, some collaterally. If only that did not mean that some will never again be looked upon in the same light as before.
If only media were not perceived to have taken sides.
If only there were not so many red herrings, about who told who about what and when, instead of anyone asking why.
If only someone, anyone, at Essendon in 2012 realised that a cutting edge must be handled with extreme care. If only complete records were kept. If only a regime was not allowed to grow up that the club's own internal investigation described as "a pharmacologically experimental environment never adequately controlled or challenged or documented", and the tribunal concluded was marked by a "deplorable absence of records".
If only that did not mean that when — or if — the full judgment is released, it may well show that the players were exonerated for exactly the same reason the club and its coach were convicted by the AFL: absence of evidence. If only that was funny.
If only staff had not spoken up more forcibly. If only when one said, "hang on a minute", Essendon had. If only more players had listened to their lectures in the first place, and later the misgivings in their hearts. If only their peers had.
If only Essendon had read more closely the CV of the man they brought in to run the program. If only they had asked for more detailed referrals.
If only Essendon's governance was not so slipshod, if left hand knew what right was doing and vice-versa. If only the AFL had acted earlier on intimations of irregularities.
If only the premium on success and whatever it takes to achieve it were not at such an all-time high that all clubs are tip-toeing their way into places they would rather not be, but feel they must, just in case the others are there already. If only it were not so that football people used to look down sniffily on cycling and athletics and swimming and other Olympic sports because of their lip service ethics.
If only the winning imperative had not led Essendon to put at risk the previous high standing of one of the competition's founding clubs, weakened it corporately, disillusioned at least some supporters, exposed players and supporters to ridicule and schadenfreude on a scale rarely seen before, and cost themselves a finals series, but above all toyed with the health of young men.
If only they did not now have to spend so much time and effort to repair that reputation. If only they were, before this whole thing began, making ground instead of recovering it.
If only everyone could start again.
If only.
