5 THINGS THAT CAME TO US ... WHILE WE WERE CUSSING LIKE BJ
1. They're onto something, but Switzerland's still not far enough. Any chance they could hold it on Pluto?
2. The father-son rule, free agency, head-high contact, Brownlow eligibility, rookie list promotion and demotion - and that's just this week. When you think that soccer's made about one rule change in the last hundred years, the AFL sure does a lot of ripping up and starting again for "the best game in the world".
3. Why stop at drug-testing in the TAC Cup? Surely the AFL is duty-bound to target kids in primary schools, kindergartens, creches and maternity wards?
4. Ryan Crowley tested positive on July 31 last year, and fronted the tribunal on Monday. Who's running this show? The producers of Lost?
5. We've been trying really hard, promise, but we're only human: anybody got any drugs?
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Six steps from Guy Sebastian to Jack Watts:
1. Guy Sebastian is a singer who won the first Australian Idol and he's since put out heaps of albums and if he gets to go in the Eurovision Song Contest then why didn't we just enter Kylie, who could have worn those shorts that bring to mind that famous story about ...
2. Archimedes, who knew his gold and a bit about water too not to mention maths and catapults and pretty much everything although you'd bet he couldn't have fixed Carlton because that's mission impossible like the TV show originally fronted by an actor named ...
3. Stephen Hill, and for the sake of the argument we'll use a picture of the Fremantle one even if the other fella did his thing in the 1960s way back before Ross first dreamt of a game plan built on strangulation and asphyxiation and other stuff that's in those novels by ...
4. Patricia Cornwell, who sells lots of books at airports because you'd need something to hide your head in if you were sat next to a horrible person like anyone off that house renovation show and why do they all have to be so awful why can't they be like that nice ...
5. Kevin McCloud, whose Dad was a rocket scientist which is apparently harder than footy but his boy became a designer and did things with lights and wrote books and presented TV shows and built sustainable stuff and all round was a bit of a golden haired boy, like ...
6. Jack Watts, who'll still be judged on being the No.1 draft pick when he's 64 and no longer playing for Melbourne or even for Casey like last weekend when people must have thought, "What the hell is he doing here?", a bit like Guy Sebastian in Eurovision.
ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO
Stuff that could happen this weekend, but in truth is about as likely as Gerard Whateley swearing, let alone on TV before the kids' bedtime:
– Bob Murphy admits his decision to play on was effectively made for him by the realisation that if a man named Tory can kick seven in a game wearing a Dogs jumper, then pretty much anything could happen by the end of next year.
– Scott Pendlebury is whisked away to the United States to begin a new life writing self help books and dominating the motivational speaking circuit on the back of his groundbreaking assessment that Collingwood will play better if they get the ball.
– Nathan Buckley's master plan is foiled when Travis Cloke gets more free kicks than usual against Gold Coast, but still has a shocker because he can't convince the umpires to kick it for him.
WORD OF THE WEEK
Rebuild (v): to repair, especially to dismantle and reassemble with new parts; to replace, restrengthen or reinforce. In football, talk that causes a "mental burden" among the playing group, especially if you're a 61-year-old coach coming out of contract who won't even be buying green bananas by the time said playing group is rebuilt.
FOOTYHEAD SAYS
From the bloke who pours his back pain medicine into a glass:
"There's been drug taking, drug testing and a new drug appeal. The Pies are dirty that sons they didn't draft have turned into good players, and the umpires are about to get another rule based on OH&S. TV audiences are in doubt, the executives want better teams playing, and being found guilty doesn't cost you a Brownlow anymore. I reckon it's time we all took a breath, walked down to a local ground and watched some kids kick a ball around."
