Tell me. In the history of the world, has any football team ever, begun the season with such high hopes only for so many things go to hell in a hand-cart that soon need a freaking convoy of hand-carts to carry them all? I refer of course to the Parramatta Eels, who in the last 12 weeks have lost all their competition points for having cheated the salary cap, seen one of their major buys in Anthony Watmough be unable to continue playing despite being on a FOUR-year contract, another in Kieran Foran be in and out of rehab with a variety of physical, spiritual and mental ailments and the star to beat them all Semi Radradra charged by the police on serious charges of domestic violence.
Oh and meantime, five of their officials have been banned and their major sponsor has run screaming for the hills. I hold no brief for Denis Fitzgerald, the one-time Emperor of Parramatta, but at this stage can we agree that the coup to take him down didn't turn out for the best? If I had any say in it I would call in Joe's Bulldozers and re-build from the ground up, getting blokes like Peter Sterling and Steve Edge involved.
Another shock result
England's defeat by Iceland this week reminded a Fitzphile of a similar shock result in 2002 when Scotland drew 2-2 with the Faroe Islands (pop.50,000). He recalled how a caller to Radio Scotland went on a five-minute rant about how badly the team had played against such feeble opposition, and suggested forcefully that players and coach should be at least sacked, and perhaps taken out and shot. The commentator strongly agreed, saying that it was certainly the most dismal performance he had ever seen from a Scottish team. Caller, (shocked): "I'm not Scottish, I'm a Faroe Islander!"
Golf goes out of bounds
Did I tell yers, or did I tell yers?
I TOLD yers! But noooo, you wouldn't listen. I told you that it was a mistake for the Olympics to allow in sports like golf and tennis because their sports already have established Everests like the Masters and Wimbledon and you simply don't want to have participants who look down on the Games as a worthy, but lesser summit.
Rio withdrawal: Rory McIlroy is one of many golfers who have pulled out of the Olympic Games. Photo: AP
This week the Irishman Rory McIlroy, while announcing his withdrawal from Rio gave the quote that summed up the whole problem: "I don't think it's embarrassing for the game because most other athletes dream their whole lives of competing in the Olympics, winning an Olympic gold, and we haven't. We dream of winning Claret Jugs and we dream of winning green jackets. I've said to people I have four Olympic Games [major championships] a year. That's my pinnacle. That's what I play for. That's what I'll be remembered for. Whether that makes golf look insular in any way, it's just the way it is."
Thank you. Case closed. It was a mistake by the IOC which takes shine from their lustre. (Speaking of which, have you ever felt less buzz for an Olympics? For some reason, this time it feels like an Origin II or III match. We know we should be excited. The media is cranking up every angle, as we do so well. But there is still a touch of meh in the air, yes?)
Words can hurt
Yes, yes, yes, I know you hate "Political Correctness" and love to regularly bash the very notion of it like it was a Pinata doll, as the crowd roars. You genuinely think it was a better world when kids with Down Syndrome could be called Mongoloids, gays could be called "poofters" and black people "n----rs." (And already you've spotted the hyphens in the last word, instead of spelling it out, and have fired off an angry email.) But take, as small example Bernard Tomic's line on Monday, where he complained of waiting on the court, for his opponent to arrive, making him feel, and I quote, like "a retard."
Damaging and offensive word: Bernard Tomic has apologised. Photo: Getty Images
Disability advocate Ciara Lawrence, took him down for it, in singularly eloquent language that deserves a wider airing: "I'd like the player to apologise," she said, "and would encourage him to meet people with a learning disability so he can understand why the word is so damaging and offensive. Time and time again I hear this word used as if it has no effect. People clearly don't understand how upsetting and offensive this is to people with a learning disability like me. It makes people with a learning disability seem not as people but as second-class citizens, and is no different to discriminating against someone who is gay or black."
Lunch with the Great One
Listen, as you know, TFF likes nothing better than occasionally trying to cut down to size pompous prats who also happen to be world sporting superstars - you know who you are - but even more occasionally you meet one of the latter, who is NOT one of the former.
Step forward, the finest ice-hockey player who has ever lived, Wayne Gretzky. I had the honour of lunching with him on Monday last and was deeply impressed by what a humble, interesting, and interested man he is.
Like our own Sir Donald Bradman his own sports statistics are off the chart compared to anyone, ever, but he didn't particularly want to talk about that. Rather, he was interested in Australian politics, film, history and sports.
There was only one Australian sportsperson who interested him, however.
"Tell me about Shane Warne," he said.
It was a long lunch!
Joke of the week
It seems that Little Johnny keeps asking his dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his dad keeps saying, quite reasonably, "No."
Anyways, after all the nagging, the dad finally agrees and says, "OK, Johnny."
Several nights later, Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love-Juice?"
Dad is horrified and, after looking at mum, who's also gobsmacked, he proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on the sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks: "So, what is it you've been watching then, son?"
Johnny replies: "Wimbledon."
What they said
The then presumptive prime minister of Little Britain, Boris Johnson, to a slavering pack of media, on why he couldn't talk them about the Brexit disaster: "I've got to go and play cricket!" It was not a good innings. He stepped on his stumps before his British prime ministership even started, and has now retired hurt, to boot.
Out for a duck: Conservative MP Boris Johnson. Photo: Getty Images
English soccer fan, @Jules___R after England were beaten by Iceland, a country that has more volcanoes than professional soccer players. "Not been this embarrassed to be English since Friday."
The Courier Mail headline after England's victory in the 3rd Test, to win the series 3-0: "Well done England. Now another continent hates you as well."
Eddie Jones channels Neil Armstrong: "We've not only beaten Australia, but we've beaten them three-nil. It's a significant achievement but only a small step for us."
Jones, in an address to Hunters Hill Rugby Club, last Monday morning on how his mob have won their last nine Test matches straight: "There are only two statistics we look at. Firstly, how long does it take a player to get up off the ground and get back in his place for defence. Secondly, how long it takes a player to get up off the ground and get back in his place for attack." Gawd, I love that. Measure gumption – win matches.
Nigel Owens to Nick Phipps during the Third Test: "In this game you don't call for yellow cards ..."
'No problem': Michael Diamond outside Raymond Terrace Courthouse. Photo: Simone De Peak
Michael Diamond denies having a drinking problem: "Not at all. It was my birthday. If you can't have a drink on your birthday then what has Australia come to?" Exactly! Who hasn't behaved in such a manner – knocking back so much turps on your birthday – that you end up on DUI and gun-charges, your brother takes out an AVO against you, and you lose your spot on the national squad as a danger to shipping? It's happened to the best of us!
Australia's Jack Miller has won his first MotoGP race, triumphing in the Dutch TT race: "A lot of people have bad-mouthed us and everything like that and said that this project wouldn't work. I just hope that we've showed them wrong and that I can ride a bike, I'm not an idiot."
Marcus Willis, the English tennis player ranked 772 in the world who won three rounds of pre-qualifying and then another three rounds of qualifying, before winning his first round match to take on Roger Federer in the second round, to go down fighting 0-6, 3-6, 4-6: "I didn't play as well as I could but I can hold my head high. I have had a fantastic couple of weeks. I will keep going and do what I have been doing. There is life after Wimbledon and I want more experiences like this. I've earned myself a beer now!"
Federer, as gracious as ever, before the match: "This is the kind of story we need in our sport. I think it's a great, great story. I'm very excited to be playing him actually. It's not something that I get to do very often."
Nathan Sharpe on how Eddie Jones stayed focused, even after England had clinched the series, by winning the Second Test: "He didn't batter an eyelid . . ."
Fairfax Media writer Clem Bastow, in an article on why she won't support AFL any more because of their lack of action on misogyny: "Behind the scenes, however, I had ditched 'the poos and wees' in favour of the black and white: I was a secret Collingwood supporter." The Hawthorn uniform is known as "the poos and wees"? Who knew?
Team of the week
Out of Rio: Pearson on the Gold Coast on Thursday. Photo: Getty Images
Sally Pearson. Won't be going back to Rio to defend her gold medal. Sad, but I reckon that likely leaves Anna Meares as a cert to carry the flag. She would be a very worthy choice.
Jack Miller. The Australian has won his first MotoGP race – whatever that is (JUST KIDDING!) – triumphing in Holland.
Eddie Jones. Came, saw, conquered as he led England to first 3-0 series win by a touring side in Australia since South Africa in 1971.
Chile. Won the oldest trophy in soccer, the Copa América, for the second time running, both times against Argentina.
Lionel Messi. After a shocker against Chile, announced his retirement from the Argentine national team. He scored 55 goals in 113 games for them while he has 312 from 348 for Barcelona.
In the money: Philadelphia 76ers NBA basketball draft pick Ben Simmons. Photo: AP
Ben Simmons. The 19 year-old Victorian this week became the No.1 NBA Draft Pick.
Waratahs. Go to Japan as Super Rugby season resumes.
Will Power. The Australian driver won the IndyCar race at Road America in Wisconsin.
Lydia Ko. The Kiwi, who became the youngest ever No.1 golfer of either gender last year at just 17, continues to dominate after yet another victory last weekend.
Jack Silvagni. The prodigal son of the prodigal son makes his debut for Carlton against Collingwood.
Amy Perrett. She makes history on Saturday night in Melbourne, when she runs the line as a touch judge referee when the Rebels play the Stormers, the first woman to cross that significant rugby rubicon, and officiate in a Super rugby match. Bravissima.
Sydney Football Stadium. A post-war record of 44,063 spectators turned up to see the Wallabies take on England. At Homebush's Olympic Stadium, meanwhile, "15,106" were there to see the Bulldogs take on the Broncos. Is it me, or was it always crazy to book an NRL club team – average attendance 17,000 – to play in a stadium that holds 90,000?
Cauliflower Club. Two charity days happening this afternoon in Crookwell and Blayney. Kickoff at 2.30 and 3.15 respectively. Google for more details.
RIP Greg Pierce. Rugby league great who was Cronulla and Australian captain died, aged 66.
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz
