It's almost four years to the day the one-time NRL poster boy Ben Barba's life began to unravel, when his "all about me" attitude sent him down a destructive path that he now admits he feared would cost him his family and his career.
"I let the spotlight get to me and I was ashamed of what I did to my family," Barba told Fairfax Media about the tumultuous period in his life during his time at the Bulldogs.
"Absolutely, the spotlight got to me, and I won't shy away from that. I lost track of who I was and what I was. I did let it go. Especially with myself and Ainslie [partner Ainslie Currie] at the time. I'm so happy that I have been able to patch things up with her.
"We're in such a good head space now and have added another two little girls to the crew. We're flying at the moment and every day I'm so thankful. I've learnt from my mistakes and my family is happy. That's allowed me to enjoy my footy again."
Barba's downward spiral began with allegations of domestic violence, for which he was never charged. His once-squeaky-clean image was tarnished further still as revelations emerged of his wild partying with friends in the so-called Epic Bender Crew.
But still he wrestled with the demons, even as they brought about his undoing. And as his personal life span out of control, the tormented fullback searched in vain for the missing ingredient that had seen him set the NRL alight in 2012.
He couldn't find it in Brisbane and was eventually shown the door by Wayne Bennett. It was only down to the misdemeanours of Todd Carney that Barba landed a third shot at an NRL career, with the Cronulla Sharks in 2015.
He finally seems to have found what he was looking for in the Shire, but it wasn't before 12 months of soul-searching through a season of mediocrity and heartache.
"There were times where I'd sit in my room and cry with my missus and ask her if she had the answer for what was happening, wondering 'What the F is going on?'," Barba said.
"The last few years were the toughest times of my life. Things weren't going well for me on the footy field and off it. Ainslee and my kids, I can't thank them enough for sticking with me and believing in me and reassuring me if I worked hard and really focused on that I'd hopefully get back to here."
It is fitting that, after watching his life spiral out of control following the 2012 grand final with Canterbury, Barba can finally open up on the nightmares of the past as he prepares for yet another premiership decider.
His actions during his time at the Bulldogs fractured the relationship with the mother of his children to the point he thought he would lose them altogether.
"Yeah, definitely. There were times there where I thought, 'This is bull---t', this is not the way I wanted it to end," Barba said of his relationship with his family.
"What happened in 2012, I probably referred back to that too much and blamed myself for a lot. And I know it was my fault. I know it was all me, but I had to move on from that. But I hadn't moved on from that. I was letting it hold me back there a little bit. But as soon as I let that go and knew I could move on it allowed me to focus back here. I'm so happy I stuck with it and fought through it.
"Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I've come a long way – and I don't think I've told too many people – but I've come a long way from just sitting in my room and sobbing to myself. To be here now and heading to another grand final, for myself personally, I could have given it up and walked away, but I'm very thankful to the guys here for sticking with me and believing in me to allow me to get back to the way I'm playing and enjoying my football."
Barba lost plenty of friends along the way, including close mates Sam Kasiano and Frank Pritchard. He knows he also lost the trust and respect of his teammates at Canterbury, taking the blame for what transpired at the club where he made his name.
"I hurt a lot of people and a lot of people are probably still angry at me for what happened," Barba said. "Just my teammates, you go into battle with everyone and you want the trust and the belief of every guy beside you. I let them down. And I probably treated them in a way where it was all about me. It's hard to say, but I knew personally that I had let them down."
