There are two ways to river cruise. One is to float about and let nothing trouble your brain, other than when to order a cold beer or look up from your book to spot a passing castle. Alternatively, you can exercise your neurons by using your cruise to learn more about history, European culture and the perplexing, always entertaining, habits of others.
Both these cruise methods have their attractions, but I've found a shore excursion on my Scenic Pearl journey between Amsterdam and Basel that satisfies both impulses. I'm promised a morning of indolent village-strolling and wine sipping, and yet it's clear that our guide Helene will feed our curiosity too. It's a short coach ride across the Rhine River from our dock at Kehl in Germany into the Alsace vineyards, but this vivacious Frenchwoman supplies informational nuggets that make me frown in pleasure.
"Inheritance law in Alsace says vineyards have to be divided equally among all children, so they become very small parcels of land over time," Helene comments as we skirt Strasbourg and head towards buxom green hills. "And now here is Ottrott village, associated with red wine. Pinot noir is the only red grape grown in Alsace."
I peer out the coach window at flamboyant flowerboxes and houses seemingly made of gingerbread – incidentally an Alsace specialty, laden with enough honey to satisfy Pooh bear. But never mind, because Helene is explaining about Alsace wine, which is the reason passengers have picked this excursion.
"Luckily the wine here is labelled with the grape name as in Australia, rather than the name of the grower or terroir as in other parts of France, which is so confusing!"
Our small group decants into Barr, whose weekend market smells of ripe cheese and roasting chickens. We're here to visit wine cellar Maison Klipfel, where the owner's son Olivier takes us among giant barrels, and patiently answers questions. The oldest wine in the cellar is a 1921 gewurztraminer in bottles cobwebbed as if by a fairy-tale curse.
Then we settle down for a wine tasting. First up is a riesling, which Olivier says is limestone-grown and best served with fish or seafood. "Like all wine tastings, we start with a dry wine and get progressively sweeter, otherwise you have sugar on your palate too early, which is hard to get rid of."
Next up, a pinot noir whose grapes are grown on the hills, where the soils are suited to a light, dry red. "Don't be afraid to serve such a wine chilled, or to try it with fish," suggests Olivier. "Though normally, you'd have it with salad, cheese or barbecued meat."
My favourite is a muscat, if only because muscat hereabouts isn't sweet but rather dry and fruity. By now our little shore-excursion party is rather merry, and conversation flows. Olivier admits to an obsession with Monty Python, and quotes about parrots and Romans ensue.
We finish with a 2013 gewurztraminer, slightly spicy and exotic and not too sweet. Olivier observes that it would go well with Asian food, chocolate desserts or foie gras. I make a mental note as we troop off, well satisfied with our introductory Alsace wine course.
Obernai nearby is a town enclosed in medieval walls and towers, whose leaning half-timbered houses are bulging and off kilter, though that may be the effects of the wine tasting on a hot day. In any case, Obernai is a merry old town, popping with petunias and loud with the chatter of cafe drinkers and music from a carousel.
Back on our coach, Helene feeds our minds with things I feel I ought to remember in case I'm ever on a TV quiz show. As we pass Strasbourg, she comments that "bourg" is sixth-century Frankish, while the other place-name suffix "heim" is fifth-century Alamanic.
"We French and Germans have been mingling and marrying and fighting each other for a very long time. Now we just drink each other's wine and beer!"
Good idea. I have a German beer with my lunch, and feel a snooze coming on. That's the lazy holiday covered. When I awaken, I'll pop into Strasbourg with my audio guide, and maybe learn something, too.
TRIP NOTES
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CRUISE
Scenic's 15-day Romantic Rhine & Moselle cruise between Amsterdam and Basel (or reverse) has frequent departures between April and October 2017. Prices from $8195 per person including meals, beverages, shore excursions and Wi-Fi. Phone 13 81 28. See scenic.com.au
FLY
Emirates flies from Sydney and Melbourne to Dubai (14.5 hours) with onward connections to Amsterdam (7.5 hours). Phone 1300 303 777 or see emirates.com/au
Brian Johnston travelled as a guest of Scenic.
