Trust Alastair Cook to drop a dead bat on anything dug into his ribs. The latest came somewhat incongruously from Australian off-spinner Nathan Lyon, who told the British media Australia was out to "end careers" in this Ashes series. Truth be told, this war of words is starting to come across like the Australian car industry - manufacturing going nowhere.
Cook's reaction? "It's quite funny," he said. "It makes you chuckle. It makes everyone chuckle." He said the first person he met when he arrived at the Gabba on Tuesday was Lyon, and they had a convivial 10-minute chat about their families. Once, it might have been the Australian asking the Englishman: "How's your wife and my kids?" But no more.
Cook said that as a social media refrainer, the trash talk whizzed over his head anyway, without even the need to duck. "I only go on to check Luton's scores," he said. "They won 7-0. Olly Lee scored a brilliant wonder-goal from the halfway. You should check it out. Shame I wasn't there to see it."
When all is said, there is only the doing. Two hours in, this would be a Test series like any other, Cook said.
This is Cook all over. This is how he became England's greatest run-maker and longest-serving captain, and then without fuss dropped back into the ranks to serve under Joe Root, knowing that ego would not be a problem for either.
This is the phlegmatism that means he could average 27 or 127 in a series in Australia - he has done both - and not dwell on it. This is the attitude of a man who once looked up to 10-year players, and is now looked up to as a 10-year player, and is the same man. Maybe it is because he was born on Christmas Day, the blithest of the year.
Cook says cricket uniquely grounds those who play it. "It's about reputations," he said. "Look at football: if you've played 500 games, people look past the mistakes. In cricket, you always start on 0. You always do."
Cook's Gabba record is totemic of his and England's fate on three tours here. In 2010-11, he scored more in the first Test at the Gabba than he did in the entire series in 2006-07 and 2013-14. Naturally, Australia are making great play of last time, Johnson time.
Cook, true opener, is intent only on what comes next. "Mitch bowled outstandingly well in that series, one of the best periods of bowling I've ever faced, backed up by Ryan Harris and Peter Siddle," he said. "But they're no longer playing. In one sense, it's a bit irrelevant what happened four years ago. It's what happens on Thursday."
Australia's contemporary pace attack deserved respect, said Cook, "but there's nothing we haven't seen before". Johnson in his time was. That is the difference between then and now.
Australia places great store by its unimpeachable Gabba record. "Records are there to be broken," Cook said. "One day, Australia will lose a game at Brisbane in the Ashes. You wouldn't want to be the Australian side who does lose at the Gabba."
Was this a jab at Australia, albeit at throwdown level? More likely, it was Cook having a laugh, as he does.
And so the phoney war has proceeded, furiously by Australia, but without an enemy. It is veritably Gandhian.
Consider this heresy on Tuesday from England all-rounder Moeen Ali. Admitting that he had not slept before his first game against Australia in 2015, he said: "When I got out there, I tried to remind myself it's just a game of cricket. It's not such a big deal as people make out.
"I try to tell myself there's more to life than just playing cricket. I know I've always said it, but there is. It's just a bat and ball at the end of day."
But is this not all self-indemnity by England against the certain failure to come? Maybe. But hear this also, from David Warner, who seems unsure whether to be play lamb or slaughterer.
When fronting media on Tuesday, his provocations were few and he talked of heat only in its meteorological form, wishing for plenty of it from Thursday because it tended to take a greater toll of visiting teams than any other force.
"Obviously been a lot of talking from players and past players," he said. "In the end, we've got a game in a couple of days. The words have been said. It's about time to get on with the cricket." Pacifist!
Then, concerning Ben Stokes, this: "If he does come out here, we wish him well." Well? Really? "I wish everyone well," Warner said. "We're all sportsman trying to achieve the same thing, and that's win. I wish everyone good luck."
At this rate, Thursday morning may begin not with a shower of fire and brimstone, but an Austro-England convict reconciliation ceremony.
