For Melinda Arnold, it took time to realise the danger signs of domestic violence.
"It escalated over time," the actor and filmmaker said quietly in the lead-up to White Ribbon Day, the international day for the elimination of violence against women. "It started with verbal abuse then it was emotional, psychological and then physical abuse.
"It ended quite badly with me running from the house and the police being called."
Arnold's former partner was charged by the police but, tragically, never faced court.
"He took his own life a few days later, which is a horrible thing," she said.
Arnold's current partner, Jerry Retford, has his own horror story about domestic violence, though he was perpetrator rather than victim.
At one of the low points of his life, he raged at two police officers in the front yard of his then-partner's home after she called them to make him leave.
"I remember standing up to this copper saying 'f---ing Mace me', you're going to have to f---ing Mace me," Retford said.
"Thankfully he was an older and wiser copper who was like 'Mate, I just want to take you for a cup of tea and have a chat. So why don't you get in the car and we'll go down the station'."
Retford was taken to hospital where he received the treatment that allowed him to gradually turn his life around over a decade.
"I was very physically and verbally abusive in my marriage," he said. "And then very verbally and emotionally abusive in a subsequent relationship. I really got to the point where it couldn't go on any more."
Retford went through a Relationships Australia course on taking responsibility three times before he was able to control his emotions.
"It was massively life-changing," he said. "The men that I was working alongside, they weren't psychopaths or monsters.
"They were men that needed help with their behaviour. But more than that, they were men - and I count myself in this - that needed to emotionally grow up."
Inspired by their experiences, the Central Coast couple has launched an initiative to address the alarming incidence of domestic violence in Australia.
Through a production company with fellow actor Val Athanassiou??? called Films4Change, they have made a series of short films under the banner It's Just A Choice to help men realise they can change how they respond to stress about money, work or relationships.
Instead of reacting angrily, they are encouraged to calm down, think through why they feel so upset and respond in ways that support their partner.
Organisations working with troubled men have started screening the short films to spark discussion.
Arnold, who believes a lack of education or understanding is often behind domestic violence, hopes the films can save lives as well as relationships.
"I know there are psychopaths and sociopaths out there but a lot of men are just emotionally immature," she said. "They just don't have the tools. My ex-partner didn't have the tools ...
"It's being aware of the feelings inside you and instead of reacting, taking a moment to pause and think. It's something everybody can use."
For Retford, the lightbulb moment comes when men realise they are making a choice to be abusive. Taking responsibility for their own emotions - and making a better choice - leads to healthier relationships.
"I was a seven-year-old boy in a 35-year-old man's body," he said. "It would have been terrifying for my ex-wife and my partner at the time.
"If you help men grow up and take responsibility for their stuff, they can meet their partner on a mature emotional level."
Retford hopes the films can also help address the troubling rate of male suicide.
"I really believe that's directly linked with the amount of rage and anger that men are carrying and the amount they're dumping on their partners in relationships," he said. "If we solve one, we solve the other."
Now ready to help others - "I want to give other men what I have now" - Retford is thankful for how wisely that police officer responded on that fateful day in the front yard.
"I'm grateful to him for not Tasering me or shooting me or Macing me as I was asking," he said.
White Ribbon Day is on Saturday, November 25. The It's Just A Choice short films can be watched at films4change.org.au.
Lifeline 131114
MensLine 1300789978
Beyondblue 1300 224636
National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service 1800737732 (this service is aimed at supporting victims of violence)
Men's Referral Service 1300766491 (this service is aimed at men who need help to stop violent or controlling behaviour, but it also supports victims and families)
